Celebrating the Small Steps

This is the time of year when goals are set for the coming year.  We decide on resolutions that will improve our lives, make us happier or bring us joy.  I've never been good at goal setting because I rarely achieve my goals.  Lately though I've decided to embrace the belief that trying matters.  My efforts have to count for something right?  I may not reach the goals that I set, but surely the steps I take and the efforts I make in the direction of those goals matter.  Celebrating the steps is important.  I'm going to be happy with celebrating the steps.

So in that spirit here are some of the things I'm going to try to do this year:

• Find a better balance between my work and personal life.
• Work towards a healthier lifestyle in my food and exercise choices.
• Cook more often than I eat out.
• Write in my journal more often.
• Blog more consistently.
• Maintain a more organized home.

I won't find a perfect balance.  I won't lose all of the pounds I'd like to lose or become a regular gym rat.  I will miss days in my journal and will likely have days and weeks between blog posts.  Acknowledging all of this from the start however, allows me to celebrate the things that I will accomplish.  

Close to two years ago I entitled this blog "It's All About the Journey" because I wanted to embrace life as a journey rather than destination.  It only makes sense that I would apply the same thinking to goal setting.  

Here's to a great 2014!  Happy New Year!

Square Peg, Round Hole

Have you ever felt like that a square peg trying to fit in a round hole?  You know that odd man out that doesn't fit into something regardless of how much you might want to?  I've felt that way a lot lately.  I don't really feel like I belong anywhere.  I have a friend who tells me often that she lives on an island.  I do too, just not the same one.  Sometimes I will try to force a fit, but that rarely works out well.  Lately I'm just trying to get comfortable with it.

Vacation Phase II: Texas

I discovered last March how much I enjoy road trips, so this summer when I had an opportunity to take a road trip through Texas I couldn't wait.  I am the only member of my immediate family that hasn't lived in Texas for some portion of my life.  My parents both lived there during childhood, in Amarillo and Irving.  My dad was born in Amarillo.  My sister lived in Dallas for a few years while working for Dillards.  My brother, Ryan went to college in Abilene.  My youngest brother, Justin was born in Fort Worth and lived there for the first month or so of his life.  I, on the other hand, have never lived there.  Like Arkansas, I have a lot of family in Texas, so I've been to and through the state visiting them, but not using the lens of a tourist.  I decided to be a tourist on this trip.

Dallas
I started my trip in Dallas, well Aubrey to be exact.  One of my mom's sisters and her family live in Aubrey which is a small town outside of Denton.  I made it to town last Monday in time to see my fifteen year old twin cousins play basketball.  They were so much fun to watch!  They are very talented!  On Tuesday they went with me to the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum.  We had so much fun.  There was a lot to see and the facility is state of the art.  It definitely sets a new standard for additional presidential libraries to be built.  When I visited the Eisenhower library last year I bought a passport to presidential libraries (yes I know I'm a nerd).  I was able to get it stamped during our visit.

After the library we had lunch in downtown Dallas before going to the 6th Floor Museum.  The 6th floor of the Texas School Book Depository building is where Lee Harvey Oswald was standing when he shot President Kennedy.  The museum is full of artifacts and videos dedicated to that moment in history.  After touring the museum we went to Dealey Plaza which is just outside the building.  The grounds are beautifully kept and offer a peaceful setting in the midst of a bustling downtown.

Austin:

When I originally was planning my time in Texas, I had thought that I would spend a majority of my time in Austin.  What I discovered however, was that many of the things advertised as "top attractions" in Austin are not things I wanted to do alone.  Austin is known for nightlife and the music scene.  I would love to experience those parts of Austin, but didn't want to go it alone.  I decided instead that I would lengthen my time in Dallas and shorten my time in Austin to just the LBJ Presidential Library.

The LBJ Library was my fifth presidential library to visit, and yes, I got a stamp.  There were three floors of exhibits at this library.  I always learn so much by visiting these places.  Going to the LBJ Library just after going through the 6th Floor Museum made for a seamless look at an important part of our history.  I really enjoyed it!

Houston:

The purpose for my trek through Texas was to ultimately get to the Houston area for my cousin Whitney's wedding.  My aunt and uncle actually live in Magnolia which is about 35 miles north of downtown Houston.  I don't have any wedding pictures, my mom and sister have those, so I'll have to share them later.  Thursday evening we enjoyed a rehearsal dinner of Texas barbecue.  Friday my parents and I drove into Houston to pick Kayla up from the airport.  We came back to Magnolia where we met my Mamaw and my aunt Pam for lunch.  We had time that afternoon before we needed to leave for the wedding, so mom, Kayla and I went swimming.  Well....that's actually probably not fair.  We didn't go swimming, we got in the water.  It was SUPER cold!!  It took forever to get used to, so we just water walked and chatted.  My aunt Pam came and joined us too.  We had a good visit.

The wedding Friday night was beautiful.  It was held at an outdoor venue that was simply gorgeous.  The only rough part was the heat, it was 102 when the ceremony started.  The area was pretty shaded though and the ceremony only lasted about 30 minutes.  The whole thing was fantastic.  We then went inside for a reception that was tons of fun.  I'll have to post pics when I have them.

Saturday we didn't have any major plans so mom, dad, Kayla and I went to a Houston Astros game.  Since one of my goals is to visit every major league ballpark, this game got me one park closer!  The Astros play at Minute Maid Ballpark which is a building with a retractable roof.  I had never been in a dome before, nor had I ever sat behind home plate.  Granted we were way up high, but we were directly behind home plate.  It was a completely different game experience!  I had so much fun spending the afternoon with my family.

We finished our time together with an evening of visiting at my aunt and uncle's house.  They were both so tired from all of the wedding festivities, but they graciously invited us over for the evening to eat and chat.  It was so nice to visit with them.  We just don't get to see them enough!

Home Again:

Today I drove home.  I made four very brief stops, but otherwise just kept moving.  I made it home in exactly eight hours.  I'm tired tonight, but I'm not so exhausted I can't function.  I'm ready to go back to work tomorrow.  I needed the break that I took and I'm looking forward to the start of my next school year, which really kind of starts tomorrow!

It was a great vacation -- now back to reality!

36 Hours

By the time I got home Saturday night, I had about 36 hours to prepare to leave again.  I am leaving Monday morning for a trip through Texas.  I had roughly 36 hours to do my laundry, clean out my car and re-pack.

My cousin Whitney is getting married at the end of the week in Magnolia, TX a suburb of Houston.  I need to be there on Thursday, but I have a couple of days before then to do some sight seeing.  Besides all of the visiting major league ballparks I also want to visit all of the Presidential Libraries.  There are currently thirteen libraries in the US.  I've been to three so far, Kennedy, Clinton and Eisenhower.  This week on my trek through Texas I am planning (hoping) to visit three more, George W. Bush in Dallas, Lyndon B. Johnson in Austin and George Bush in College Station.

I haven't totally mapped out my time through Texas yet, but I am planning to leave tomorrow after taking care of a couple of errands around town.  I've managed to finish most of my laundry, but my suitcase is currently empty.  Lots to do and I'm down to 18 hours!

Leavin' on a jet plane

My flight out of Philly left at 11:56 a.m. on Friday.  The last time I flew out of a northeast airport I flew out of La Guardia in New York City.  I arrived at that airport two and a half hours early and I still had to run to my gate.  I do everything I can to avoid running through airports, so when it came time to determine when I would leave for the Philadelphia airport I took my experience at LaGuardia into account.  I left my hotel in time that I would arrive at the airport close to three hours early.  As it turns out, that much time was not needed to get through security in Philadelphia and I made it to my gate at 9:45 which gave me plenty of time to read and relax in the gate area.

I love to fly.  I'm even one of those weirdos that enjoys airports.  It doesn't bother me one bit to sit in the airport and read for a few hours.

If I learned anything about myself last week it's that I need to work harder to take breaks.  Breaks from work, breaks from technology, just more breaks.  I love to read for pleasure and there's no reason I shouldn't be able to do that at home.  It shouldn't take traveling to allow me to pick up a book for pleasure.  This last week I read four novels for pleasure, it was wonderful to lose myself in the pages of a book.  I need to make it a goal to do that more often.  I got some excellent recommendations from friends of books that I should read and I picked up a selection of books from the Salvation Army last weekend that I'm looking forward to reading them very soon.  After last week I now want to look for books on the American Revolution, Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson or any other title that will let me learn more about our nation's history.  So much to learn...so little time!

Both flights were uneventful which is a good thing.  I landed in Tulsa earlier than expected and spent the evening eating my mom's lasagna and watching movies with my brother.  Saturday was my dad's birthday, so I stuck around to celebrate with lunch and cake.  I enjoyed spending time with my family.  I've been blessed to see all of my immediate family in the last week despite our busy schedules and the many directions life takes us.  I am blessed.

Walk This Way

I did more walking on Thursday than the other two days I was in Philly, at least that's the way it felt.  I should have taken a pedometer with me!  Kayla stayed over Wednesday night and we had time Thursday morning to have a nice breakfast at a sidewalk cafe and walk the short distance from my hotel to Independence Mall.  Kayla was able to see Independence Hall, the Liberty Bell, Ben Franklin's grave and the outside of Betsy Ross's house.  It was a nice morning.

Washington Square
After Kayla left to go back to NYC I went to Washington Square.  Similar to Franklin Square, this is a park with a large fountain in the center.  There is also a George Washington statue and a tomb for the unknown soldiers of the Revolutionary War.  I sat in the park for a while I read a book.  It was another nice weather day.

Library Hall

After leaving Washington Square I went to Library Hall which was the first public library.  There were meetings going on throughout the building, so I could only tour the lobby, but it was interesting nonetheless.  There was s draft of the Declaration of Independence and the journals of Lewis and Clark.  Every stop during this trip made me want to read more about that period of history.  There are so many things to read and learn and so little time to do it in!!

Independence Seaport Museum

The Independence Seaport Museum was my major stop for the day.  The museum itself was interesting, but the highlight of the visit was being able to tour the Olympia and the Becuna.  This self-guided tour started in the submarine Becuna.  If you are at all claustrophobic I don't recommend touring a submarine.  I don't consider myself claustrophobic and I had a few moments of panic myself.  It was so interesting to see the set up and living areas of the sub's occupants.  After the submarine I was able to tour the ship Olympia which was used in the Spanish American War.  Not as close of quarters there as in the submarine, but not terribly spacious.  Both tours were so much fun!!  I enjoyed both tremendously.  In the picture below the Olympia ship is on the left and the Becuna submarine is on the right.

I was super tired when I got back to my hotel Thursday night.  I considered catching up on pictures and blog posts at that time, but I just wanted to read.  

I hope you've enjoyed seeing all of my stops on my trip and hopefully you haven't been annoyed with all of my facebook posts.  I enjoy being able to share my travels and journeys.  Thanks for traveling with me.  

The City of Brotherly Love (and Sisterly Affection)

You're probably familiar with the nickname for Philadelphia as being "The City of Brotherly Love," you may not be aware that the nickname was revised to include "and sisterly affection" in the last few years to ensure a welcoming spirit for all visitors.  I found Philly to be very kind and accommodating.  Wednesday of my trip was a beautiful day and a very full day.  Here's a recap of my day...

Ben Franklin Post Office
I started my day by mailing post cards from the B. Free Franklin Post Office.  This is the post office that Ben Franklin first established and that was attached to his print shop.  It was the first post office ever to be in operation in the United States and it is still a working post office today.  It's not a full service post office.  Mail is not delivered there and you can't mail anything larger than 13 ounces.  It's perfect for post cards though because they have a special post mark that they use for any outgoing mail.  I always mail post cards to my parents and grandparents when I travel.  I try to get them on the first day of my trip and mail them the next day so that they beat me back, but that doesn't always work out.  I didn't beat them back this time.  I thought it was neat that my recipients would have a small piece of history through something as simply as a post card.

Reading Terminal Market
When I left the post office I walked to Reading Terminal Market.  This is a farmer's market a few blocks from Independence Mall.  It was beautiful!  The produce was artistically displayed.  The fish and meats were beautifully cut.  The bakery items smelled fantastic and the handmade jewelry was creatively shown in glass cases.  I spent an hour just walking the aisles and looking at everything.  I love farmer's markets anyway, and this one certainly tops that list!  It's right up there with the Pike Place Market in Seattle for me.

Franklin Square
Franklin Square is a park, again not far from Independence Mall.  The high on Wednesday only got up to 78 so I had very comfortable weather for being outside.  Some people sit and read at the beach, I sat and read in the park.  I spent about an hour, just reading on a park bench.  The park was full of teens playing football, nannies walking their charges, preschoolers playing on the playground and families out enjoying the day.  Franklin Square includes a mini-golf course and a carousel.  As Kayla has mentioned to me before, parks like this one are very central to the cities they are in because they are essentially the back yards of the citizens there.  So many people in large northeastern cities live in apartments, that these parks become a common place to play and enjoy the outdoors the way many of us do in our backyards.

US Mint
When I left Franklin Square I went to the US Mint.  It is free to tour and was very interesting!  I learned a lot about the history of US coinage and got to see the factory where the coins are made.  I saw belts with lots of pennies and what I think were nickels, although I was a long way away so it could have been dimes or quarters.  There are six mints in the US, the ones offering tours are in Philadelphia and Denver.  You can also  do a virtual tour online.

Betsy Ross House
I also toured the Betsy Ross house on Wednesday.  While she is best known for making the first American flag, there is actually no written document that confirms she did that.  More likely she was part of a group of women that made the first flag.  She is credited with creating a five point star for the flag as opposed to the six point star initially proposed by George Washington.  It's so fascinating to me to see where and how people from other times lived.  The very tiny home that she shared with the widow she rented from and her seven children while her husbands (she had three throughout her lifetime) were off to war was very simple.  It was literally walking back in time.

Elfreth's Alley
Elfreth's Alley is the oldest residential street in the US.  It is currently still home to private residents.  The row houses are well preserved and the cobblestone pathway make you feel as though you've gone to another time.  I just walked through the alley on the way back to my hotel, you can tour one of the houses owned by a historic society if you wish.

Phillies
My sister took a train over from NYC to go to a Philadelphia Phillies game with me on Wednesday night.  One of my goals is to visit every major league baseball park, this game allowed me to add another one to the list of those visited.  We had a dinner or hot dogs and fries...is there any more appropriate dinner for a major league game?  We watched the game and visited, enjoying the night air.  We had someone take our picture together because it's kind of become our thing.  We have a picture of us at Fenway, CitiField, Rangers Ballpark and now Citizens Bank Park.  I'm sure we'll continue to add more!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've mentioned before that I experienced several reactions to my willingness to travel alone.  Most who have expressed concern about me traveling alone have expressed concern for my safety.  I decided about a year and a half ago that I didn't want to live in fear.  I allowed fear to stop me from doing things and I didn't want to do that anymore.  If I waited around for someone who would travel, go to the movies, see a play and such, with me I would still be waiting.  I'm still learning to overcome some of my social anxieties, but I'm much better than I used to be.  Traveling alone is part of me embracing my independence.  It's about me making things happen in life rather than waiting on life to happen to me.  It can be risky to travel alone, that just means you have to be smart about it.  Here are some of the things I do to be smart about my safety.

• I research my destination thoroughly before booking any flights or hotel accommodations.  This includes studying maps, finding eating establishments and looking at ground transportation.  I rarely rent a car, so I want to make sure I know what the public transportation options are.
• I book a hotel that is close to the sights I'll be visiting.  This often means that I pay more, but hotel accommodations are not something to be cheap about.
• I send my flight itinerary and hotel reservation information to my parents before I leave.
• I carry a small cross body purse when I'm out around town, rather than a larger bag or a handbag that I have to carry.  This is as much for convenience as for safety.  I don't want to carry lots of stuff if I'm going to be walking around a lot.
• I don't walk around after dark.  If I'm going to be too far away from my hotel after dark to get back on foot, I catch a cab.

I don't want to be fearful about life, but I do want to be smart about it.  I would encourage others to do the same.  Going to museums and exhibits alone is the easy part, most people don't notice you if you're alone.  In several places I've done the audio tour to go along with my self tour which helps me blend in even more.

Let Freedom Ring

I chose Philadelphia as a vacation location because I'd never been here before and didn't know much about it. After my day today I realize just how much I don't know! It may come as a surprise to you but I'm a planner. In the weeks just prior to this trip I created an itinerary for myself. I did that in part because I needed to prioritize what I wanted to see because there are more sights than I have time. My other reason for doing it was because many tickets could be purchased ahead of time which allowed me to spread out the cost of the trip. Today's plan went exactly as it was supposed to...other than the rain of course. Here's a re-cap of my day.... (I tried to insert pictures, but I'm on my iPad since I didn't bring my computer and it doesn't seem to want to play nicely.)

Independence Visitors' Center
I left my hotel around 8:30 to head to the Independence Visitors' Center. I picked up my ticket for touring Independence Hall later in the day and looked at some of the exhibits there. There are a handful of exhibits in at the Visitors' Center that begin telling the story of Philadelphia and it's role in the creation of our nation.

Constitutional Walking Tour
I have found that all encompassing tours, such as the one I went on today, are very worth the money. You see several sights in a short amount of time and sometimes even see things you wouldn't have found on your own. That in addition to the stories and tips that you get from a good guide make the expense worth it. On today's walking tour I saw Ben Franklin's burial place, the current Quaker meeting house, Betsy Ross's house, Christ Church, First Bank, Carpenter's Hall and the Presidents' House Site,  as well as other buildings and parks along the way. My group only had four people in it, so we had some flexibility about what we could stay around and look at as opposed to just walking  by. We also had a very good guide which was nice. I decided as we were walking around this morning that Philadelphia seems to be a cross between New York City and Boston, with a little bit of DC thrown in too.

National Constitution Center
After the walking tour, I went back to the National Constitution Center. It was very interesting! It began with a live performance of the story of the creation of the Constitution then was followed by several exhibits. There were several exhibits that were interactive. They were designed with children in mind, but the teacher in me couldn't resist. One of my favorite exhibits was the one that demonstrates the voting process. You go into a voting booth, curtain and all, and press start on the monitor. The computer randomly selects two past (or the current) president to go on your "ballot." Then the computer begins showing quotes of the presidents on major issues like crime, energy or foreign policy.  You select the statement that you most agree with and at the end the computer tells you which president goes with those statements. The idea is that you evaluate issues independent of the candidate and their political party. It was a very cool exercise I thought!

When I got ready to leave the Constitution Center it was raining. I decided to have a bite of lunch while I was waiting on the rain to clear.

Liberty Bell
The Liberty Bell was my next stop today. Like several of the places I went, I discovered that I actually know very little about the Liberty Bell. There were several things to read and look at before you get to the bell itself. It was a very neat stop during my day.

Independence Hall
Independence Hall is where both the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution were signed. It was humbling to stand in the room where some of the greatest minds in our nation, Ben Franklin, Tomas Jefferson, James Madison and George Washington (to name a few) worked on documents that would create our nation and our government. Like my other tours today, I had an excellent tour guide for the Independence Hall tour.

Bourse
My last stop of the day was the Bourse Food Court and Shops. Initially designed to be a center for commerce and business, the Bourse building has several souvenir shops. It was here that I bought....wait for it....a book! I'm sure you're all shocked. I will say that after hearing during the walking tour that books used to cost between $3,000-5,000 I didn't feel badly for spending $10 on mine.

I have my plan ready for tomorrow. It's much more flexible than today's schedule because those tickets have not been purchased yet, although Kayla and I will be going to a Phillies game tomorrow night. The rain has let up and tomorrow is supposed to be beautiful. I'm looking forward to day two!

You like yourself, that's good!

I travel alone quite a bit. Typically I meet people at my destination that I know, either colleagues at a conference or friends or family on vacation. This trip is a little different. My sister is coming over on Wednesday evening to go to a baseball game with me, but other than that I am vacationing on my own this week. The reactions I've gotten from people when they find out I am traveling alone vary greatly. I've had some feel sorry for me. I've had some tell me that they admire my courage. I have had some tell me they're afraid for me. I've had some tell me they wish they could travel alone too. I think the reaction I got from a fellow passenger today was by far the most unique, but it was also the most profound. The gentleman sitting next to me on my first flight, when I told him I was vacationing alone said "You like yourself, that's good." 

I hadn't ever thought about it like that. When I tell people about my the road trip that I took last spring that quite frankly changed my life, I always tell people that you have to be willing to get to know yourself when you spend that much time alone. That trip involved many hours in the car and therefore many hours to think. I never really considered though, that traveling alone meant that I liked myself. In fact there are many times that statement isn't true. I don't always like myself, so I thought it interesting that the gentleman today equated my solo travel with my feelings about myself as a person. I'll have to give that one more thought this week.

I'm very bad at boundaries. I don't set many. I've made setting boundaries a priority for this two weeks. I leave my phone on silent. I've set my work e-mail to send an automated, out-of-office reply. I did not bring my laptop or my jump drives.  I am participating very limitedly in the facebook group for my team. I told my dad tonight I don't realize how badly I need a break until I finally take one. I finally took one and I needed it badly. My goal for the week, other than spending time in a city that I've never seen before, is to check out. This week is for me. This week is my chance to re-charge. 

I have a plan and some of those things are set in stone because the tickets are already purchased, but I have a lot of wiggle room as well. My hotel is across from the Delaware River. I've already spent an hour or so staring out at the water, watching the boats float by and I'm sure I will spend more time there. I need the peaceful, healing powers of water this week. I'm exactly where I should be and I like it.

Challenges and Gifts

Today has been full of challenges.  I knew last week that this was going to be a very busy week for me.  My schedule is incredibly packed and I needed to be much more organized that I was when I left my house this morning.  I left my house this morning knowing that my first challenge of the day would be re-interviewing for my job.  You'd have to know my history with job interviews to fully understand why interviewing causes such paralyzing fear in me, but the closer I got to Oklahoma City the sicker I felt.  Our day didn't turn out quite like was originally planned.  Instead of interviews the way the were originally scheduled, we met with our supervisor briefly and individually to see if there was anything that she needed to discuss with us.  Then this afternoon we completed a written version of the interview questions.

That written interview was followed by a test.  Yes, that's right a test!!  I had no idea I'd be taking a test today.  It was a test covering material that we learned in our literacy training last summer.  It was a pre-test for our upcoming Train the Trainer sessions.  For the first time in my life I literally wrote "I don't know this" for one of the test questions.  Never in my life have I answered a question like that!  I always know at least something to write down!

After training I had to go to David's Bridal to pick up the dress that I'm wearing for Kyndall's wedding on Saturday.  I ordered it the last time I was in Oklahoma City and needed to pick it up today.  Then I ran to the mall and bought some new black shoes and other accessories for the wedding.  After which I made a quick trip to Target for a couple of things that I forgot in my chaos and disorganized packing.  I finished all of the errands in enough time to get to the capital for dinner.

Dr. Barresi hosted the REACH Coaches at the capital tonight for dinner.  It was kind of our end of year celebration.  We watched a slide show of pictures from the year, visited over dinner and listened to speeches of gratitude and encouragement from Ramona Coats, one of our supervisors and Dr. Barresi.  As an appreciation gift, each of us was given One Thousand Gifts Devotional book by Ann Voskamp.

We were challenged to look at each day as a gift and to count our blessings each day as a way to remain thankful and grateful to God for our lives.  I look forward to reading the devotionals in this book.

Tomorrow will hold challenges all its own.  We continue our math training with Ratios and Proportions which will be a challenge for me, math is not my strong suit.  I'm getting better, but I still have a lot to learn.  My other major challenge tomorrow will be a physical one.

I told you I bought new shoes right?  Well the shoes that I bought have a wedge heel, which I don't typically wear and being new (as in directly out of the box) they were slick on the bottom.  Slick shoes, wedge heel and slick marble floors at the capital meant that my ankle turned and I busted.  Yes that's right, fell.  The only part of me that didn't hit the floor was my face.  Luckily I was alone when I fell so the embarrassment was kept to a minimum, although putting it on my blog and facebook opens myself up to embarrassment I realize.  I'm very bruised and sore but otherwise I'm fine.  My right knee took the brunt of the fall so it's very purple, my left knee is tender.  My left ankle is sore and I can feel the bruises in my elbows, wrists and palms.  I've loaded up on Tylenol for tonight and tomorrow will make sure to take lots of ibuprofen.  Luckily for me my dress for Saturday is long enough to cover the purple...I think...

Words for a Grieving Parent

In December, the seven year old son of one of the teachers I work with, died of an asthma attack.  She has one surviving son who is a senior in high school and will be going to college in the fall.  Today this teacher e-mailed me.  I usually am quick to respond when I receive an e-mail but this one I needed to think about.  While she was contacting me for professional information, she spent part of her message sharing her grief with me.

I've been told by many that I can't understand parenthood or the fullness of life if I am not a parent.  Those are the words that resonated in my head this morning when I finished her message.  All I could think is that I am not equipped to respond to her.  I have no words to give this grieving mother.  She is clearly still hurting and I don't know what to say to her.  All day I prayed for wisdom.  I prayed that God speak through me and allow my words to show His peace.

I wrote her back a few minutes ago and I am not certain that I accomplished what my prayers desired.  My comments were those I'm sure she's heard from other people in the last four months.  I didn't have any original words for her.  We're not close, she and I.  We have a good working relationship, but we're not friends.  I wanted to share the peace that I believe God can bring without crossing lines of separation of church and state.  I wanted to comfort her while acknowledging that I can't know what she's feeling.  I'm not sure if I as successful with any of those things.  My prayer now is that she see that God is more than adequate even when I am inadequate.

I found part of a eulogy that Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered in 1963 that says what I would have liked to have said to this teacher.  I didn't share it with her, but I wanted to share it with you.

Now I say to you in conclusion,

life is hard,

at times as hard as crucible steel.

It has its bleak and difficult moments.

Like the ever-flowing waters of the river,

life has its moments of drought and its moments of flood.

Like the ever-changing cycle of the seasons,

life has the soothing warmth of its summers

and the piercing chill of its winters.

But if one will hold on,

he will discover that God walks with him,

and that God is able to lift you from the fatigue of despair

to the buoyancy of hope

and transform dark and desolate valleys

into sunlit paths of inner peace.

Dirt Road Detour

Between mid August and early April I have replaced or repaired four tires on my car.  I'm sure if such a thing existed I'd be a gold star customer at Hibdon.  While two of my flats have happened in OKC because of things I've run over or hit, the other two are compliments of dirt road driving.

I have one school that I visit where the most direct route is a dirt road.  Since I've had such a hard time with tires I make sure to stay on paved roads when I visit this school.  Staying on paved roads means going eighteen miles out of the way and through the neighboring region, but it saves my tires.  Today I started my usual trek to this school, on paved roads, only to discover that the paved road has a bridge out and I had to take a detour...on the dirt roads I'd been so careful to avoid.

Like all GPS devices, my TomTom didn't like this change of events.  I always leave the sound off because it makes me nuts, but the screen did keep flashing a new route at me, wanting me to turn right and head back to the main road.  At one point it wanted me to turn right on a road it identified as Waverly.  I wish I would have taken a picture of Waverly, but I found a very close substitute on google images.

Yes, that's right, Waverly appeared to have been closed for quite some time.  I literally laughed out loud when I saw where TomTom wanted me to turn.  I haven't updated my GPS in a while, but it hasn't been THAT long!!  I ended up spending 25 miles on dirt roads today.  Only ten of those were truly out of the way, the other fifteen where just roads that ran parallel to my regular route.

Every day has the potential for adventure.  Today was no exception with 176 miles of driving.  Tomorrow I'm back on the road, hopefully all paved!

Dream Big

"There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve:  the fear of failure."

- Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

A good friend told me this week to dream big.  I'm not a dreamer.  The quote above describes, very well, why I don't dream.  I fear failure.  I fear defeat.  Similar to not setting goals, which I've talked about in previous posts, I don't dream because I either don't have confidence that I can achieve or I fear the feelings of failure that will come when my dream doesn't work out.  I confessed to a different friend over lunch last week that I've never auditioned for chorus, choir, or any singing part because I'm afraid I won't make it.  I love to sing and I can sing, but I'm so afraid of rejection I don't participate in any activity that requires an audition.

"Shoot for the moon.  Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."

- Les Brown

I want to be more like this quote.  I want to do better at shooting for the moon and being comfortable landing among stars.  In my last post I talked about my lack of hobbies.  I was encouraged in my conversation last week about hobbies, to think of things I've always wanted to try and work toward learning that skill or trying that activity.  The encouragement has caused me to do a lot of thinking.  What do I want to know how to do?  What do I want to learn?  One of my friends recently posted her bucket list (or a portion of it) on facebook.  Which led me to ask myself, what would be on my bucket list?

I remember as a teenager when my dad shared his list with me.  I don't remember the items on the list, but I remember him pulling the small piece of paper out of his wallet to share his goals and dreams with me.  I've not created a list like that, on paper, although there are a few things that I've decided in my head.  In the spirit of trying to learn to dream, I want to share a few of those items with you.  I'm nervous that some of you will think I'm ridiculous for some of the things on this list.  Those that have shared their dreams with me have shared much deeper desires than the surface level ones you'll find here.  In my search for more self-confidence however I have to start somewhere so I'm considering this a calculated risk.  In no particular order, here are a few of my dreams or part of my bucket list....

Sing the national anthem at a sporting event.

Learn to quilt.

Acquire the skills for camping and fishing.

Hike in the Rockies.

Give a keynote address at a reading conference.

Become a published writer.

I don't know that I'll achieve any of those things, but I can try.  Certainly some of those are achievable with my own work ethic and effort.  I can shoot for the moon and land among stars.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do.  So throw off the bowlines.  Sail away from the safe harbor.  Catch the trade winds in your sails.  Explore.  Dream.  Discover."

- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Channeling Energy

I told someone recently that I need a hobby, I need something to help me channel unspent energy.  I've gotten in a habit over the last few years of putting unspent energy into working ridiculous hours which is exhausting, stressful and quite frankly not healthy.  My efforts to change that are rarely successful.  Sometimes working long hours is necessary, but sometimes working long hours (and I mean ridiculously long) is out of boredom.  There are a lot of times that I work because I have nothing else to do with my time.

I really don't have any consistent hobbies.  Every time I'm asked about hobbies I have a hard time coming up with them.  My standard answer is "reading, working puzzles and watching sports, specifically football and baseball."  All of which are true, but I don't do them consistently and I'm kind of bored with them to be honest.  I do read quite a bit and I've made an effort in the last week to read for pleasure every day.  I have several puzzles and when I take the time to get them out, I enjoy the challenge of assembling them, but I don't get them out very often.  What I most enjoy doing with my spare time is traveling.  Sounds goofy huh, since I travel all the time for work?  I love to travel.  I love getting in the car and heading to a new place to see local sites or visit friends.  In my restlessness last night I decided that I needed to hit the road.  I traveled a good bit this week, but I was ready to go somewhere just for fun.

I had hoped to take a spring break trip this year similar to the one I did last year.  My first plan included a trip to the Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs, followed by a couple of days in Denver with Christy and her family, then a venture to Cheyenne, Wyoming so that I can add another state to my list of those visited, finally ending up in Keystone, South Dakota (another check on my list) to see Mount Rushmore.  When I figured out that wasn't going to be financially feasible I thought I could just make a quick trip to Denver.  Then I decided that wasn't financially feasible and I thought I'd just spend a couple of days in Kansas.  I know there are places there I haven't been and it would let me travel for a bit.  Then I got sick and spent several days at home in bed and ended up not traveling anywhere.

When I started getting restless last night wanting somewhere to go, I knew it had to be somewhere I could get to and from in a day because I have my dog and I didn't really want to travel with her.  I decided I'd go to Stillwater to a Cowboys baseball game.  I haven't seen much baseball since the season started so I thought that would be a good Saturday activity.  I knew if I stayed home today I'd work and I didn't want to work.  Then my friend Kelli mentioned, jokingly, that I come watch her son play little league.  I say jokingly because she didn't really expect me to make a three hour drive for a one hour little league game.  I decided that drive was exactly what I needed!  I left home at little before 7:30 a.m. and headed south.  It took me right at two and a half hours, but my route wasn't a good one.  The route I took was round about in places, I'm going to have to fix that next time.  Our friend Lindsay met us there and we all enjoyed watching the kids play, despite the wind.  It's always windy in Oklahoma, but today was particularly rough.  Here's our very windblown picture...

After the game Kelli, her daughter Abby and I went to lunch at a local diner.  I figured I'd leave in enough time to head north and go to the OSU game on my way home.  The game started at 3:00 and I left Elgin with enough time to get to the game just a little after the first pitch.  Then I got stuck in traffic.  By the time I got through the bottleneck I would have been over an hour late to the game so I decided I'd just come home instead.  I've read some since I've been here, but haven't worked (personal victory).

I've decided I need to make these one day trips a regular thing.  There are plenty of places within driving distance of here that I can enjoy.  When I was driving back to Enid from Woodward on Thursday I passed a couple of sites I'd like to stop at the next time I'm out that way, or that I should make a special trip to see.  There are tons of little museums around the state that I'm sure I would enjoy.  Beyond that I am within a decent driving distance of Wichita, Dallas and even Kansas City.  I'm not sure it's a hobby I can entertain all the time, but maybe I can add it to my short repertoire of hobbies.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a separate note....I lost two more pounds this week and am down eight pounds total in two weeks.  I blew it today and will be starting over tomorrow, but I'm determined to make this a lifestyle.  I've had more energy, been more productive, felt better, slept better and my clothes are even starting to fit better...all excellent motivators to getting back on track tomorrow.

Back to Blogging

It's been four months, almost to the day since I last blogged.  I've thought over and over about getting back to it, then I get distracted or things would come up and I'd forget.  I want to get back to it though.  In the last two weeks I've had two major changes in my world.

First, I took on a roommate.  A friend that I used to teach with called me a few weeks ago to tell me that her nephew's fiance was looking for housing in Enid for six months (just until they get married) and wondered if it would be possible for me to rent her a room.  I agreed.  My new roommate is a very sweet young lady (I get to say that because she's 10 years younger than me!).  It's been a great fit...well I think so at least.  I'm not sure what she thinks.

I have a three bedroom house with 1 3/4 bath.  The bedroom with the 3/4 bath is the room that my roommate now has.  She's got her own space with her own bathroom and a walk in closet.

I wasn't sure how it would work for me to live with someone after I've been alone for as long as I have.  I asked my life group to say a prayer for me, that I could be a good roommate.  So far (although it's only been a week) I feel like things are going very well.  Again, my roommate may feel differently!

My second major change is in my eating habits.  For a variety of reasons, including an accountability agreement with my sister, I've drastically changed what I eat.  I'm working toward going totally paleo.  It's going to take lots of continued research and some willingness to branch out, but in just the little bit I've done in the last two weeks, I've felt so much better.  I didn't realize how bad I was feeling until I started feeling better, have you experienced that before?  I've also surprised myself with how easily I've been able to stick to this.  So far, I've not had any major cravings.  I've cheated but not because of cravings so much as convenience, or sheer choice.  Here's the new plan:

I am currently not eating any red meat, bread or pasta and I've given up carbonated drinks.  I am avoiding processed foods and trying to eat only those things without preservatives.  Right now that means I primarily eat fresh or frozen fruits and vegetables, Greek yogurt, chicken and fish.  I say that I'm trying because there are still days that I have processed foods, although not every day.  The goal of paleo, as I understand it, is to have a no preservative diet.  I'm choosing to eliminate red meat, bread and pasta in addition to that.  Like everything else, this is a journey.

I've battled issues with my weight for several years.  There are several reasons for that, some that I know, others that I may not know, but like anything else it's complex.  I've tried Weight Watchers before and been very successful when I stick to it.  I found out since taking this job however, that counting points when my meals are unpredictable or my travel schedule is nuts is too difficult.  Too difficult means I don't stick to it.  I've found in the last two weeks that paleo works well for me.  It's essentially a list of do's and don'ts.  Those rules I can follow no matter where I am.  It takes a lot of forethought and planning, but the rewards are definitely worth the work.

I didn't weigh myself before I started so I don't know what my loss was for the first week.  I did buy a scale last weekend though and am using it to chart my progress.  My "official" weigh in is tomorrow morning, but as of this morning I've lost five pounds this week.  I know that rate will slow, the longer I do this, but it's nice to see the number drop!  My clothes have even started fitting better....and it's only been two weeks!!  I've rekindled my passion for cooking and I'm trying foods and spices that I've not tried before.  I'm excited to keep this up and see where it goes.

It's just another journey!

A New Way to Journal

When I was in New York, one of our stops was the New York City Public Library.  I am an avid reader of course and was excited to see this famous library.

The lobby was beautifully decorated for Christmas with lights, trees and garland.  All of my pictures turned out blurry so I don't have any of the inside to share.  We went to see a Charles Dickens exhibit that was very informative and interesting.  There was another exhibit that was lighter and focused on the evolution of lunch.  Yes, the meal we eat in the middle of the day.  I wasn't sure how interesting it would be, but I should not have been skeptical.  It was a walk through time looking at the development of the school lunch program, the beginning production of sliced bread and recipes considered appropriate for women of 50's households to serve to guests.  There was a hands on exhibit where you could assemble plates of food by the cost of items to get a feel for food costs of the time.  I was very impressed with an exhibit that quite honestly I thought would be a time waster.

I've always loved libraries, even going back to my childhood when I would visit the public library with my friend Valerie and return home with stacks of Sweet Valley Twins and Babysitter's Club books.  More than once my parents caught me with a flashlight and book under my covers when I was supposed to be sleeping.  To this day I spend countless hours that I should be sleeping devouring novels.  More often than not I re-read books that I've read before, I love finding more parts of a story the second and third time I read it.  If I want to relax I pull a book I've read before because I don't have to pay very close attention to the details to enjoy the story.

One of the highlights of the trip to the New York Public Library was the stop in the gift shop.  This is a book lovers gift shop.  Certainly it includes a book selection that reflects the location, but also other gifts and items book lovers love to own.  The purchase of the day, and if I'm being honest, the purchase of the trip was a journal that both my sister and I bought, Q and A a day.

I've told you before that I'm not a goal setter and that I have a hard time keeping a journal.  That lack of goal setting extends to New Year's Resolutions, I can't keep them so I don't set them.  My journal writing has improved with this blog, but still isn't great by any means.  Part of the reason I have a hard time writing in a journal every day is that I'm not quite sure what to say. What do you put on an empty page that no one else will read?  What is so valuable that I need to record it, so that I can go back and re-read it and question why I valued that enough at the time to write it down?  I've found that sharing with my audience, in the form of a blog, however small that audience may be, causes me to be more thoughtful about myself, my day and my life.  All of that being said, it is my goal to use this book as a journal for the next five years.

What I like about this book is that on each page there is a question with no more than four lines on which to write a response.  I cannot get wordy.  I cannot look at the blank lines struggling to think of things to fill them.  There are only four lines because the other lines on the page are designated for other years.  The book is set up to be a five year journal.  There are specific questions to answer on each page, which will allow me to compare my responses from year to year.  I am exciting about trying to do this.  It not only records my thoughts and feelings about things, but also will document other things going on in society.  Some of the pages ask for the top news story of the day or latest book or movie that's out.  Hopefully I can stick to it, because I think this is a really cool thing to do!

If you'd like to try it yourself you can buy the book from any major retailer.