Words for a Grieving Parent

In December, the seven year old son of one of the teachers I work with, died of an asthma attack.  She has one surviving son who is a senior in high school and will be going to college in the fall.  Today this teacher e-mailed me.  I usually am quick to respond when I receive an e-mail but this one I needed to think about.  While she was contacting me for professional information, she spent part of her message sharing her grief with me.

I've been told by many that I can't understand parenthood or the fullness of life if I am not a parent.  Those are the words that resonated in my head this morning when I finished her message.  All I could think is that I am not equipped to respond to her.  I have no words to give this grieving mother.  She is clearly still hurting and I don't know what to say to her.  All day I prayed for wisdom.  I prayed that God speak through me and allow my words to show His peace.

I wrote her back a few minutes ago and I am not certain that I accomplished what my prayers desired.  My comments were those I'm sure she's heard from other people in the last four months.  I didn't have any original words for her.  We're not close, she and I.  We have a good working relationship, but we're not friends.  I wanted to share the peace that I believe God can bring without crossing lines of separation of church and state.  I wanted to comfort her while acknowledging that I can't know what she's feeling.  I'm not sure if I as successful with any of those things.  My prayer now is that she see that God is more than adequate even when I am inadequate.

I found part of a eulogy that Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered in 1963 that says what I would have liked to have said to this teacher.  I didn't share it with her, but I wanted to share it with you.

Now I say to you in conclusion,

life is hard,

at times as hard as crucible steel.

It has its bleak and difficult moments.

Like the ever-flowing waters of the river,

life has its moments of drought and its moments of flood.

Like the ever-changing cycle of the seasons,

life has the soothing warmth of its summers

and the piercing chill of its winters.

But if one will hold on,

he will discover that God walks with him,

and that God is able to lift you from the fatigue of despair

to the buoyancy of hope

and transform dark and desolate valleys

into sunlit paths of inner peace.

Dirt Road Detour

Between mid August and early April I have replaced or repaired four tires on my car.  I'm sure if such a thing existed I'd be a gold star customer at Hibdon.  While two of my flats have happened in OKC because of things I've run over or hit, the other two are compliments of dirt road driving.

I have one school that I visit where the most direct route is a dirt road.  Since I've had such a hard time with tires I make sure to stay on paved roads when I visit this school.  Staying on paved roads means going eighteen miles out of the way and through the neighboring region, but it saves my tires.  Today I started my usual trek to this school, on paved roads, only to discover that the paved road has a bridge out and I had to take a detour...on the dirt roads I'd been so careful to avoid.

Like all GPS devices, my TomTom didn't like this change of events.  I always leave the sound off because it makes me nuts, but the screen did keep flashing a new route at me, wanting me to turn right and head back to the main road.  At one point it wanted me to turn right on a road it identified as Waverly.  I wish I would have taken a picture of Waverly, but I found a very close substitute on google images.

Yes, that's right, Waverly appeared to have been closed for quite some time.  I literally laughed out loud when I saw where TomTom wanted me to turn.  I haven't updated my GPS in a while, but it hasn't been THAT long!!  I ended up spending 25 miles on dirt roads today.  Only ten of those were truly out of the way, the other fifteen where just roads that ran parallel to my regular route.

Every day has the potential for adventure.  Today was no exception with 176 miles of driving.  Tomorrow I'm back on the road, hopefully all paved!

Dream Big

"There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve:  the fear of failure."

- Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

A good friend told me this week to dream big.  I'm not a dreamer.  The quote above describes, very well, why I don't dream.  I fear failure.  I fear defeat.  Similar to not setting goals, which I've talked about in previous posts, I don't dream because I either don't have confidence that I can achieve or I fear the feelings of failure that will come when my dream doesn't work out.  I confessed to a different friend over lunch last week that I've never auditioned for chorus, choir, or any singing part because I'm afraid I won't make it.  I love to sing and I can sing, but I'm so afraid of rejection I don't participate in any activity that requires an audition.

"Shoot for the moon.  Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."

- Les Brown

I want to be more like this quote.  I want to do better at shooting for the moon and being comfortable landing among stars.  In my last post I talked about my lack of hobbies.  I was encouraged in my conversation last week about hobbies, to think of things I've always wanted to try and work toward learning that skill or trying that activity.  The encouragement has caused me to do a lot of thinking.  What do I want to know how to do?  What do I want to learn?  One of my friends recently posted her bucket list (or a portion of it) on facebook.  Which led me to ask myself, what would be on my bucket list?

I remember as a teenager when my dad shared his list with me.  I don't remember the items on the list, but I remember him pulling the small piece of paper out of his wallet to share his goals and dreams with me.  I've not created a list like that, on paper, although there are a few things that I've decided in my head.  In the spirit of trying to learn to dream, I want to share a few of those items with you.  I'm nervous that some of you will think I'm ridiculous for some of the things on this list.  Those that have shared their dreams with me have shared much deeper desires than the surface level ones you'll find here.  In my search for more self-confidence however I have to start somewhere so I'm considering this a calculated risk.  In no particular order, here are a few of my dreams or part of my bucket list....

Sing the national anthem at a sporting event.

Learn to quilt.

Acquire the skills for camping and fishing.

Hike in the Rockies.

Give a keynote address at a reading conference.

Become a published writer.

I don't know that I'll achieve any of those things, but I can try.  Certainly some of those are achievable with my own work ethic and effort.  I can shoot for the moon and land among stars.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do.  So throw off the bowlines.  Sail away from the safe harbor.  Catch the trade winds in your sails.  Explore.  Dream.  Discover."

- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Channeling Energy

I told someone recently that I need a hobby, I need something to help me channel unspent energy.  I've gotten in a habit over the last few years of putting unspent energy into working ridiculous hours which is exhausting, stressful and quite frankly not healthy.  My efforts to change that are rarely successful.  Sometimes working long hours is necessary, but sometimes working long hours (and I mean ridiculously long) is out of boredom.  There are a lot of times that I work because I have nothing else to do with my time.

I really don't have any consistent hobbies.  Every time I'm asked about hobbies I have a hard time coming up with them.  My standard answer is "reading, working puzzles and watching sports, specifically football and baseball."  All of which are true, but I don't do them consistently and I'm kind of bored with them to be honest.  I do read quite a bit and I've made an effort in the last week to read for pleasure every day.  I have several puzzles and when I take the time to get them out, I enjoy the challenge of assembling them, but I don't get them out very often.  What I most enjoy doing with my spare time is traveling.  Sounds goofy huh, since I travel all the time for work?  I love to travel.  I love getting in the car and heading to a new place to see local sites or visit friends.  In my restlessness last night I decided that I needed to hit the road.  I traveled a good bit this week, but I was ready to go somewhere just for fun.

I had hoped to take a spring break trip this year similar to the one I did last year.  My first plan included a trip to the Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs, followed by a couple of days in Denver with Christy and her family, then a venture to Cheyenne, Wyoming so that I can add another state to my list of those visited, finally ending up in Keystone, South Dakota (another check on my list) to see Mount Rushmore.  When I figured out that wasn't going to be financially feasible I thought I could just make a quick trip to Denver.  Then I decided that wasn't financially feasible and I thought I'd just spend a couple of days in Kansas.  I know there are places there I haven't been and it would let me travel for a bit.  Then I got sick and spent several days at home in bed and ended up not traveling anywhere.

When I started getting restless last night wanting somewhere to go, I knew it had to be somewhere I could get to and from in a day because I have my dog and I didn't really want to travel with her.  I decided I'd go to Stillwater to a Cowboys baseball game.  I haven't seen much baseball since the season started so I thought that would be a good Saturday activity.  I knew if I stayed home today I'd work and I didn't want to work.  Then my friend Kelli mentioned, jokingly, that I come watch her son play little league.  I say jokingly because she didn't really expect me to make a three hour drive for a one hour little league game.  I decided that drive was exactly what I needed!  I left home at little before 7:30 a.m. and headed south.  It took me right at two and a half hours, but my route wasn't a good one.  The route I took was round about in places, I'm going to have to fix that next time.  Our friend Lindsay met us there and we all enjoyed watching the kids play, despite the wind.  It's always windy in Oklahoma, but today was particularly rough.  Here's our very windblown picture...

After the game Kelli, her daughter Abby and I went to lunch at a local diner.  I figured I'd leave in enough time to head north and go to the OSU game on my way home.  The game started at 3:00 and I left Elgin with enough time to get to the game just a little after the first pitch.  Then I got stuck in traffic.  By the time I got through the bottleneck I would have been over an hour late to the game so I decided I'd just come home instead.  I've read some since I've been here, but haven't worked (personal victory).

I've decided I need to make these one day trips a regular thing.  There are plenty of places within driving distance of here that I can enjoy.  When I was driving back to Enid from Woodward on Thursday I passed a couple of sites I'd like to stop at the next time I'm out that way, or that I should make a special trip to see.  There are tons of little museums around the state that I'm sure I would enjoy.  Beyond that I am within a decent driving distance of Wichita, Dallas and even Kansas City.  I'm not sure it's a hobby I can entertain all the time, but maybe I can add it to my short repertoire of hobbies.

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On a separate note....I lost two more pounds this week and am down eight pounds total in two weeks.  I blew it today and will be starting over tomorrow, but I'm determined to make this a lifestyle.  I've had more energy, been more productive, felt better, slept better and my clothes are even starting to fit better...all excellent motivators to getting back on track tomorrow.

Back to Blogging

It's been four months, almost to the day since I last blogged.  I've thought over and over about getting back to it, then I get distracted or things would come up and I'd forget.  I want to get back to it though.  In the last two weeks I've had two major changes in my world.

First, I took on a roommate.  A friend that I used to teach with called me a few weeks ago to tell me that her nephew's fiance was looking for housing in Enid for six months (just until they get married) and wondered if it would be possible for me to rent her a room.  I agreed.  My new roommate is a very sweet young lady (I get to say that because she's 10 years younger than me!).  It's been a great fit...well I think so at least.  I'm not sure what she thinks.

I have a three bedroom house with 1 3/4 bath.  The bedroom with the 3/4 bath is the room that my roommate now has.  She's got her own space with her own bathroom and a walk in closet.

I wasn't sure how it would work for me to live with someone after I've been alone for as long as I have.  I asked my life group to say a prayer for me, that I could be a good roommate.  So far (although it's only been a week) I feel like things are going very well.  Again, my roommate may feel differently!

My second major change is in my eating habits.  For a variety of reasons, including an accountability agreement with my sister, I've drastically changed what I eat.  I'm working toward going totally paleo.  It's going to take lots of continued research and some willingness to branch out, but in just the little bit I've done in the last two weeks, I've felt so much better.  I didn't realize how bad I was feeling until I started feeling better, have you experienced that before?  I've also surprised myself with how easily I've been able to stick to this.  So far, I've not had any major cravings.  I've cheated but not because of cravings so much as convenience, or sheer choice.  Here's the new plan:

I am currently not eating any red meat, bread or pasta and I've given up carbonated drinks.  I am avoiding processed foods and trying to eat only those things without preservatives.  Right now that means I primarily eat fresh or frozen fruits and vegetables, Greek yogurt, chicken and fish.  I say that I'm trying because there are still days that I have processed foods, although not every day.  The goal of paleo, as I understand it, is to have a no preservative diet.  I'm choosing to eliminate red meat, bread and pasta in addition to that.  Like everything else, this is a journey.

I've battled issues with my weight for several years.  There are several reasons for that, some that I know, others that I may not know, but like anything else it's complex.  I've tried Weight Watchers before and been very successful when I stick to it.  I found out since taking this job however, that counting points when my meals are unpredictable or my travel schedule is nuts is too difficult.  Too difficult means I don't stick to it.  I've found in the last two weeks that paleo works well for me.  It's essentially a list of do's and don'ts.  Those rules I can follow no matter where I am.  It takes a lot of forethought and planning, but the rewards are definitely worth the work.

I didn't weigh myself before I started so I don't know what my loss was for the first week.  I did buy a scale last weekend though and am using it to chart my progress.  My "official" weigh in is tomorrow morning, but as of this morning I've lost five pounds this week.  I know that rate will slow, the longer I do this, but it's nice to see the number drop!  My clothes have even started fitting better....and it's only been two weeks!!  I've rekindled my passion for cooking and I'm trying foods and spices that I've not tried before.  I'm excited to keep this up and see where it goes.

It's just another journey!