21

The natural number that follows 20 and precedes 22.  The age at which you can legally purchase alcohol.  The retired jersey number of baseball player Roberto Clemente.  The goal of a blackjack game.  The title of Adele's second album.  A 2008 movie about card counters who won millions in Vegas.  There are lots of meanings for the number 21.  I also heard at one time that 21 is the number of consecutive times that you have to do something before it will become a habit.  Exercising 21 days in a row will make exercising a habit.  Reading for an hour a day for 21 days will make reading a habit.  Presumably completing my one-a-day for 21 consecutive days would therefore make it a habit.  I won't know that for a while, because like all goals that I set, I've failed.  I told you I don't set goals and this is exactly why.  I haven't done my one-a-day in close to a week.

I would venture to say that 21 is also the number of crying jags I've had in the last three days.  That's not a conservative or exaggerated number, it is what it is.  I never used to be a crier.  I've always been very good at masking or covering my emotions.  The older I get the less that is true.  I'm not yet ready to reveal in this forum, the reason for the tears or sadness, but suffice it to say they are from a very real place.

It hasn't been a good week.  I would love to tell you that I'm doing better with my attempts at becoming a glass half full personality, but that's not true.  I'm sticking with my half-empty (or in my current case completely dry) perspective.  What I'd like is to keep to myself and re-cooperate.  Pull myself together, get back on track with my one-a-days, do the laundry that's out of control, clean my house that is also out of control, get the things done at work that need to be done so that I can start the week without being too behind...but none of those things are going to happen.  As soon as I finish this post, I'll be getting ready to go out of town.  As is typical for my family we're getting together for the holiday.  I am blessed to have a family that is supportive and caring.  With a few exceptions, everyone lives pretty close together, so getting together for holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and the like are common.

Given my surly and negative attitude right now, I should probably avoid people.  Those close enough to me to have been bitten know that me being in a bad mood generally translates into snapping at people.  It's not intentional...I don't wake up wondering who I should bite that day...but I know myself well enough to know that controlling my snapping will mean not talking...If you can't say something nice you shouldn't say anything at all, right?  My not talking however will I'm certainly be interpreted as something else I don't intend.  Remember how I said in my initial blog post that I often feel misunderstood...well here you go.

I am thankful, grateful and blessed to have family and friends that are interested in my well-being and do what they can to be supportive and encouraging.  I pray that they know my cantankerous disposition has nothing to do with their attempts to support or encourage.  I am grateful even if I don't appropriately show it in the moment.

My prayer today is a Prayer for Hope...

Heavenly Father, I am your humble servant
I come before you today in need of hope.
There are times when I feel helpless,
There are times when I feel weak.

I pray for hope.
I need hope for a better future.
I need hope for a better life.
I need hope for love and kindness.

Some say that the sky is at it's
darkest just before the light.
I pray that this is true, for all seems dark.
I need your light, Lord, in every way.

I pray to be filled with your light from
head to toe. To bask in your glory.
To know that all is right in the world,
as you have planned, and as you want it to be.

Help me walk in your light, and live
my life in faith and glory.

In Your name I pray, Amen


Taken from www.prayers-for-special-help.com