Alone in a Crowd

Have you ever looked around a room, knowing you're surrounded by people but feeling invisible or unseen? I've been in that place a lot.  I've had people look at me without really seeing me.  Part of that is my responsibility because of my extreme anxiety in social situations.  I can speak about professional topics to rooms of hundreds without fear, but attending a party, fellowship or other social gathering is terrifying for me.      I have moments where I pray that no one will notice or talk to me so that I don't stutter and embarrass myself.  I have other moments where I pray someone will speak to me first so that I don't have to figure out how to make my feet move to approach them.  I have no doubt that my body language and facial expressions send unintentional messages.  I imagine my fear to some looks like anger or another unapproachable emotion.  It's paralyzing fear I tell you!  My friend Kallie can tell you about a graduation party I helped her throw.  My sister can tell you about the moments of deep breathing that were needed for me to get out of the car and go into a party with her.  Other friends and family would have similar stories I imagine.

When I moved to Enid I made the conscious choice to be a different person in a lot of ways.  One of which is that I decided that I was tired of being fearful and that I needed to find enough confidence to make friends.  I have no doubt that part of my struggle to find a church and friends in Stillwater was the paralyzing fear that I allowed to take over.  It took people like Kallie to see fear instead of something unapproachable and help me get over some of that.  

This morning our Bible class and sermon both centered around building relationships and being involved in a community.  It was another example of God's timing for me.  I needed to be reminded that the purpose of the church is to build relationships.  During the sermon the preacher mentioned that one can only have 8-10 intimate relationships at one time.  I've thought about that a lot since he mentioned it.  How many of my relationships would I really call intimate?  How many people do I truly allow to know me?

For me church has often felt like a place you go to find out which rule you broke this time.  A place where people judge.  A place where people around me demonstrate how much better they are at life than I am.  When I found North Garland, I found a place that doesn't feel that way.  I've found a place where everyone around me is growing with me.  I am greeted each time I walk through the door.  People regularly tell me they are glad I'm there.  It's a place I look forward to being.

I'm getting better at not being as fearful.  I've participated in Bible class discussion and try to introduce myself to one new person each time I'm there.  It's not comfortable for me and most of the time it takes all that I can muster, but it's getting better.  I'm still alone in the crowd, changing that is going to take a while, but I'm in a place and with people who are striving to see the unseen.  I am a member of a body of believers who are looking to ensure that no one is alone in a crowd.