All Questions...No Answers

I've rolled several blog post ideas around in my head over the last couple of weeks.  It's been over two weeks since I've written anything.  There are a variety of reasons for that and I've not resolved in my head if they are reasons that I will share in this forum.  I will say however, that as I've tried to think of things that I could write about that would reflect where I am personally and perhaps challenge you to consider things differently, I keep circling back to questions that have no answers.  So tonight, in my sleeplessness, I've chosen to share those questions with you, perhaps you'll have some answers.  If not, then perhaps I've given you something to think about.

"From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked."  Luke 12:48

This verse has been running through my head daily for the last few weeks.  Our preacher at church a few weeks ago cautioned us about taking individual scriptures out of context and attempting to apply it to our lives or circumstance.  I'm throwing caution to the wind and doing exactly what he cautioned against.  I know there is a context here that I am not considering, I'm choosing to put that fact aside for a minute.  

Considering the truth of this statement, is the converse also true?  For those to whom much is given, much will be required...does that mean those that aren't given much do not have many expectations?  

How does one go about defining "much"?  Everyone who has been given "much."  "Much" what?  Possessions?  Money?  Time?  Talent?  I believe in the context of the parable "much" refers to possessions, but it is a parable and therefore would have multiple meanings, would it not?

So then that begs the question are blessings relative?  If I take stock of what I might have "much" of, I would not necessarily consider my possessions to be "much" but I know there are others with less than I.  I do not consider myself to have much money, yet I know there are others who struggle more than I.  The same for time or talent.  Does that make blessings relative?  If blessings and "much" are relative, what then can be the expectation?

When I was at the eye doctor a couple of weeks ago one of his questions to me was, are you a perfectionist?  I immediately answered, yes.  My second thought was, I wonder why he asked me that.  He went on to explain that my personality type was such that I would not tolerate unclear vision.  He said, there are some people who don't seem to care if their vision is clear or not, however you as a perfectionist, need everything to be clear.  Now while he was referring specifically to my vision, there is a bigger application as well.  I want things to be clear and I am frustrated when they are not.  I told one of my co-workers last week, I will gladly play by whatever rules are set, but I want to know the rules.  In this case, I want to know the expectation.  Am I a person with "much" of whom much will be required?

That being said, I'm not trying to determine the expectation because I want to mark something off a checklist or do just enough to get by.  That has never been part of my personality, I'm an over-achiever.  That's not something I publicly own very often, but there you go.  I'm an over-achiever.  I wonder if there are OAA meetings or something?  You know...Over-Achievers Anonymous?  I'm quite certain I need professional assistance to ever become okay with just achieving.  But I digress...

Am I a person with "much" of whom much is required?  If I am, I guarantee I am not living up to those expectations.  We were asked tonight in life group what we wanted to be when we grew up.  What plans did we have for ourselves that we set out to achieve and how did we see God acting in those plans.  I told the story of my professional career.  I've posted it here before, but here's the short version.  I started college saying I'd never teach.  I majored in elementary education.  I said I'd never teach below middle school.  I student taught in second grade.  I said I'd never teach students younger than second grade.  My first job was full day kindergarten.  I said I'd never teach younger than kindergarten.  I taught preschool during grad school.  I said I'd never teach special education.  I have a degree to work with struggling students.  I said I'd never work for the state department of education.  I currently work for the state department of education.

If you had asked me ten years ago where I would be at this moment, I would never have come up with the situation I'm in.  The desires I remember having are not currently a part of my life story.  My story is still being written, so things may change.  Where I struggle is, if I'm not one with "much," why am I not?  Does that even make sense?  Let me try again...depending on how you define "much," I am not one with "much."  If the converse of the verse is true, that those without "much" would therefore not have much required, would that then mean that not much is required of me?  If not much is required of me, why is that?

When I talk to teachers about their expectations for students, inevitably there are one or two (if not more) for whom that teacher does not have high expectations.  There are varying reasons for low expectations...that is for another posting...but I wonder...am I that student?  Am I someone for whom there are low expectations, and if so, why?

I warned you with the title that there are all questions and no answers, certainly no easy ones.  I've wrestled with these questions and this circular thinking for the last couple of weeks.  I imagine it is something I'll wrestle with for some time to come.  That wrestling in and of itself probably suggests a faith issue within myself that needs to be addressed.  Maybe I'll circle around that one too....