All Questions...No Answers

I've rolled several blog post ideas around in my head over the last couple of weeks.  It's been over two weeks since I've written anything.  There are a variety of reasons for that and I've not resolved in my head if they are reasons that I will share in this forum.  I will say however, that as I've tried to think of things that I could write about that would reflect where I am personally and perhaps challenge you to consider things differently, I keep circling back to questions that have no answers.  So tonight, in my sleeplessness, I've chosen to share those questions with you, perhaps you'll have some answers.  If not, then perhaps I've given you something to think about.

"From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked."  Luke 12:48

This verse has been running through my head daily for the last few weeks.  Our preacher at church a few weeks ago cautioned us about taking individual scriptures out of context and attempting to apply it to our lives or circumstance.  I'm throwing caution to the wind and doing exactly what he cautioned against.  I know there is a context here that I am not considering, I'm choosing to put that fact aside for a minute.  

Considering the truth of this statement, is the converse also true?  For those to whom much is given, much will be required...does that mean those that aren't given much do not have many expectations?  

How does one go about defining "much"?  Everyone who has been given "much."  "Much" what?  Possessions?  Money?  Time?  Talent?  I believe in the context of the parable "much" refers to possessions, but it is a parable and therefore would have multiple meanings, would it not?

So then that begs the question are blessings relative?  If I take stock of what I might have "much" of, I would not necessarily consider my possessions to be "much" but I know there are others with less than I.  I do not consider myself to have much money, yet I know there are others who struggle more than I.  The same for time or talent.  Does that make blessings relative?  If blessings and "much" are relative, what then can be the expectation?

When I was at the eye doctor a couple of weeks ago one of his questions to me was, are you a perfectionist?  I immediately answered, yes.  My second thought was, I wonder why he asked me that.  He went on to explain that my personality type was such that I would not tolerate unclear vision.  He said, there are some people who don't seem to care if their vision is clear or not, however you as a perfectionist, need everything to be clear.  Now while he was referring specifically to my vision, there is a bigger application as well.  I want things to be clear and I am frustrated when they are not.  I told one of my co-workers last week, I will gladly play by whatever rules are set, but I want to know the rules.  In this case, I want to know the expectation.  Am I a person with "much" of whom much will be required?

That being said, I'm not trying to determine the expectation because I want to mark something off a checklist or do just enough to get by.  That has never been part of my personality, I'm an over-achiever.  That's not something I publicly own very often, but there you go.  I'm an over-achiever.  I wonder if there are OAA meetings or something?  You know...Over-Achievers Anonymous?  I'm quite certain I need professional assistance to ever become okay with just achieving.  But I digress...

Am I a person with "much" of whom much is required?  If I am, I guarantee I am not living up to those expectations.  We were asked tonight in life group what we wanted to be when we grew up.  What plans did we have for ourselves that we set out to achieve and how did we see God acting in those plans.  I told the story of my professional career.  I've posted it here before, but here's the short version.  I started college saying I'd never teach.  I majored in elementary education.  I said I'd never teach below middle school.  I student taught in second grade.  I said I'd never teach students younger than second grade.  My first job was full day kindergarten.  I said I'd never teach younger than kindergarten.  I taught preschool during grad school.  I said I'd never teach special education.  I have a degree to work with struggling students.  I said I'd never work for the state department of education.  I currently work for the state department of education.

If you had asked me ten years ago where I would be at this moment, I would never have come up with the situation I'm in.  The desires I remember having are not currently a part of my life story.  My story is still being written, so things may change.  Where I struggle is, if I'm not one with "much," why am I not?  Does that even make sense?  Let me try again...depending on how you define "much," I am not one with "much."  If the converse of the verse is true, that those without "much" would therefore not have much required, would that then mean that not much is required of me?  If not much is required of me, why is that?

When I talk to teachers about their expectations for students, inevitably there are one or two (if not more) for whom that teacher does not have high expectations.  There are varying reasons for low expectations...that is for another posting...but I wonder...am I that student?  Am I someone for whom there are low expectations, and if so, why?

I warned you with the title that there are all questions and no answers, certainly no easy ones.  I've wrestled with these questions and this circular thinking for the last couple of weeks.  I imagine it is something I'll wrestle with for some time to come.  That wrestling in and of itself probably suggests a faith issue within myself that needs to be addressed.  Maybe I'll circle around that one too....

Breathing a Sigh of Relief

I had an appointment this morning at Dean McGee Eye Institute in Oklahoma City with Dr. Farris to get more information about my vision problems.  My parents drove down from Tulsa to go to the appointment with me.  Overall this evening I am relieved with the results.  To best explain the outcome I want to start with what the problem isn't.  It isn't a tumor, that was evident in my MRI.  It isn't a neurological disease or disorder, my brain is healthy.  It isn't a problem with my optic nerve, there is no indication of inflammation or disease.  It isn't an eye disease that will cause me to lose my eyesight, I will not become blind because of this.

So if all of those things are true, then what is it you ask?  I have an ocular surface disease.  There are a few things at play here.  First, there is a mucous membrane on the surface of your eye, the function of which (among other things) is to provide clarity of vision.  My membrane is 1/3 the thickness that it should be, so if a normal membrane is 100% mine is 30% in thickness.  Second, there are goblet cells in the eye, the function of which is to secrete an oil that combines with the water created by your tear ducts that lubricates and supports that mucous membrane.  I have a low count of those cells which means that my eyes routinely do not get the kind of lubrication necessary for clear vision.  I am creating enough tears, but the goblet cells are required for sustained lubrication and that is something I am missing.

In addition to those two things specific to my eye, I also have some rosatia around my eyes and some veining on the sides of my nose (where my glasses rest) that the doctor said is typically seen in 50-60 year old patients, rather than in someone my age.  This time last year, I had a a very bad case of eczema also around my eyes.  If you saw me at all during that time I literally looked like a raccoon.  Steroids corrected the problem over a couple of weeks and it has not returned since.  All three of these things...rosatia, eczema and ocular surface disease...indicate the presence of an autoimmune condition.

There is no cure for my eye condition.  I cannot regrow a mucous membrane or increase my goblet cell production.  What I can do is learn to manage my symptoms so that my vision improves and that includes a three part treatment plan.  First, I have an oral prescription that I will take daily for the next six months for sure, probably longer.  Second, today the doctor placed punctal plugs in my tear ducts.  Using a mirror, if you pull down your bottom eyelid and look toward your nose, you should see a small hole that looks like a pin prick.  You have one in each eye on the bottom and one in each eye on the top, for a total of four.  One way to treat my lubrication problem is to plug those holes so that the lubrication that my eyes can make naturally doesn't drain out.  Today, Dr. Farris placed silicon plugs in my lower ducts.  They feel a little funny right now, I know eventually I'll get to where I don't feel them, but for now it's kind of like a contact lens or a grain of sand I can't get rid of.  They can be removed or I could accidentally rub them out if I rub my eyes too hard, so I have to get used to not rubbing my eyes.  (Tough to do by the way when it's a foreign object around your eye!)  If I do accidentally rub them out they can easily be replaced.  The third part of my treatment plan is regular use of eye drops, up to ten times daily.  There is a specific drop that I can buy over the counter that is specifically for someone with the goblet cell condition that I have.  Not all drops do the same things, but luckily at this point I do not need prescription drops, there is an over the counter option.

As the doctor pointed out today, my career choice and hobby of reading create a visual challenge that other people might not face.  Because I spend a lot of time focusing on text or a computer screen, diminished clarity impacts me in a significant way.  That being the case it is important for me to follow this treatment plan to restore clarity to my vision.  I'm currently in a chronic stage with this problem but by following the treatment plan I should get to a more manageable place.  Unless I have a major setback or emergency, I will not have to go back to Dean McGee, my local doctor will be able to handle future treatment.  I've been told to give the treatment plan three months before making any changes to it, such as adding plugs in my upper ducts if I haven't made sufficient improvement.

When I went to bed last night I was trying to mentally prepare myself for the worst case scenario of permanently losing my vision, a tumor or disease that would require surgery or some other equally serious diagnosis.  I am relieved tonight that it is a manageable condition.  It is something I will deal with it for the rest of my life and the investigation into an autoimmune condition is just beginning.  Additional testing with an internist may be necessary to determine the extent of my condition and any additional systems or organs that may be effected.  I thank you, and my parents thank you, from the bottom of our hearts for all of your prayers and support throughout these times of living with the unknown.  I still have hurdles...I will continue to limit how much I read and I will not be able to drive at night until I get my clarity back, but I have a plan that will hopefully get me there.

At the end of my appointment today Dr. Farris asked if he could pray with me and very eloquently asked the Lord to heal me and bless me on my road to recovery.  His prayer collectively with your prayers have allowed me to feel safe, loved and supported.  Thank you.

Breaking My Own Rule

I've broken my own rule in the last couple of weeks.  I have never been one to read more than one book at a time.  I start a book and finish it before starting another.  I do the same thing with magazines.  I even eat that way...one thing at a time.  I've broken that rule in the last couple of weeks however, by starting multiple books.  I read a couple of novels in one weekend for pleasure, but everything I'm reading right now is professional material.  Here's the run down...

If you read my blog for educators this week, I talked about this book Annual Growth For All Students; Catch-up Growth For Those Who Are Behind by Lynn Fielding, Nancy Kerr and Paul Rosier.  It is the study of an elementary school in Washington that had a large number of students struggling to meet state benchmarks and how they turned things around.  It was recommended by one of my literacy trainers as well as a teammate.  According to the American Legislative Exchange Council Oklahoma is 43rd in the national in educational performance.  Other reports list Oklahoma as slightly higher or lower if you look at specific subgroups, subjects or other educational factors.  While there are pockets of very successful districts in our state, the state as a whole is not performing as well as we could.  We have excellent potential, but we need to make some changes.  This book offers a unique perspective to making needed change.

Coaching for Balance:  How to Meet the Challenges of Literacy Coaching by Jan Miller Burkins is one of the first literacy coaching books that I bought a few years ago when I knew I wanted to pursue this as a career path.  It's also one of the first books about literacy coaching that was written by an active literacy coach.  I'm not very far into this one yet, but the practical suggestions that it provides for me in this new role are very helpful.  There are parts of it that reinforce what I already knew, and other parts that challenge me to think differently about some things.

(Hopefully this image isn't too blurry!)

This is another book that I received from my training trip to Oklahoma City, MAX Teaching with Reading and Writing:  Classroom Activities for Helping Students Learn New Subject Matter While Acquiring Literacy Skills.  It is written by a career teacher, Dr. Mark Forget, with activities for how to teach content such as science and social studies while also including literacy instruction.  I have a fifth grade teacher that has asked me specifically for these kinds of ideas.  In addition this type of integration is what Common Core State Standards are asking teachers to do.

This book is the one I will begin in the morning.  Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us by Daniel Pink was recommended by the same trainer that recommended Annual Growth.  I recently purchased a subscription to audible.com so that I can download books to listen to while I'm driving.  Tomorrow I have two and a half hours in the car (round trip) so I thought it was a perfect time to start this one.

As I've said before there are so many books and so little time!  I'm hoping with audible.com I can make my drive time more productive and entertaining, as well as being a good solution to my current vision issues.  I don't usually read (or listen to) more than one book at a time because I can't always make the mental leap from one to the other.  I've discovered it's a little easier to make these leaps because they are nonfiction rather than fiction.  There's no chance that I'm going to confuse characters or story lines with these texts.  

If you have other text recommendations for me feel free to let me know, Drive is six hours worth of listening and with my schedule being what it is this week, I'll be done with it by noon on Thursday.  I'll need a new audio book before the week is out!  What are you reading?