The Green Eyed Monster

If I were to identify something that I struggling with daily it would be envy.  It is not my only struggle but it is my constant struggle.  In an article that I found online author Joseph Epstein is writing about the seven deadly sins and he has this to say about envy:

"Surely it is the one that people are least likely to want to own up to, for to do so is to admit that one is probably ungenerous, mean, small-hearted."

I agree completely!  To admit that I envy those around me makes me seem ungrateful for what I have or what I am and I certainly don't want that to be the case.  I am grateful.  I know that I am blessed in many areas of my life.  Yet when I step back and look at my life as compared to the lives of others, the green eyed monster flares inside.  Epstein also writes:

Is envy a "feeling," an "emotion," a "sin," a "temperamental disposition," or a "world-view"? Might it also be a Rorschach test: Tell what you envy, and you reveal a great deal about yourself. It can be all of these things--and more. No one would doubt that, whatever else it is, envy is certainly a charged, indeed a supercharged, word: One of the few words left in the English language that retains the power to scandalize. Most of us could still sleep decently if accused of any of the other six deadly sins; but to be accused of envy would be seriously distressing, so clearly does such an accusation go directly to character. The other deadly sins, though all have the disapproval of religion, do not so thoroughly, so deeply demean, diminish, and disqualify a person. Not the least of its stigmata is the pettiness implicit in envy.

What I hope is that you were unaware of this struggle until you read this post, because that would suggest to me that I am able to overcome the depth of these emotions and not allow them to effect my relationships with those around me.  I am not comfortable revealing what it is that I covet.  I realize will cause you to speculate on your own.  I'm willing to weather the speculation to keep that to myself.  I'd like to ask however that you join my prayers.

I pray daily that God give me the strength and confidence not to envy those around me.  I pray that He strengthens my character and improves my vision so that the things I covet move out of my line of sight so that I might see Him more clearly.  I also pray that God helps me be kind to myself throughout my struggle.  I am incredibly unforgiving of my flaws.  I do not allow myself room for error or grace for the times that I falter.  I pray I can better acknowledge His grace as I attempt to work through this struggle.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Epstein, J. (2003).  "The green-eyed monster: Envy is nothing to be jealous of." Retreived November 5, 2012 from http://www.washingtonmonthly.com/features/2003/0307.epstein.html.

All Questions...No Answers

I've rolled several blog post ideas around in my head over the last couple of weeks.  It's been over two weeks since I've written anything.  There are a variety of reasons for that and I've not resolved in my head if they are reasons that I will share in this forum.  I will say however, that as I've tried to think of things that I could write about that would reflect where I am personally and perhaps challenge you to consider things differently, I keep circling back to questions that have no answers.  So tonight, in my sleeplessness, I've chosen to share those questions with you, perhaps you'll have some answers.  If not, then perhaps I've given you something to think about.

"From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked."  Luke 12:48

This verse has been running through my head daily for the last few weeks.  Our preacher at church a few weeks ago cautioned us about taking individual scriptures out of context and attempting to apply it to our lives or circumstance.  I'm throwing caution to the wind and doing exactly what he cautioned against.  I know there is a context here that I am not considering, I'm choosing to put that fact aside for a minute.  

Considering the truth of this statement, is the converse also true?  For those to whom much is given, much will be required...does that mean those that aren't given much do not have many expectations?  

How does one go about defining "much"?  Everyone who has been given "much."  "Much" what?  Possessions?  Money?  Time?  Talent?  I believe in the context of the parable "much" refers to possessions, but it is a parable and therefore would have multiple meanings, would it not?

So then that begs the question are blessings relative?  If I take stock of what I might have "much" of, I would not necessarily consider my possessions to be "much" but I know there are others with less than I.  I do not consider myself to have much money, yet I know there are others who struggle more than I.  The same for time or talent.  Does that make blessings relative?  If blessings and "much" are relative, what then can be the expectation?

When I was at the eye doctor a couple of weeks ago one of his questions to me was, are you a perfectionist?  I immediately answered, yes.  My second thought was, I wonder why he asked me that.  He went on to explain that my personality type was such that I would not tolerate unclear vision.  He said, there are some people who don't seem to care if their vision is clear or not, however you as a perfectionist, need everything to be clear.  Now while he was referring specifically to my vision, there is a bigger application as well.  I want things to be clear and I am frustrated when they are not.  I told one of my co-workers last week, I will gladly play by whatever rules are set, but I want to know the rules.  In this case, I want to know the expectation.  Am I a person with "much" of whom much will be required?

That being said, I'm not trying to determine the expectation because I want to mark something off a checklist or do just enough to get by.  That has never been part of my personality, I'm an over-achiever.  That's not something I publicly own very often, but there you go.  I'm an over-achiever.  I wonder if there are OAA meetings or something?  You know...Over-Achievers Anonymous?  I'm quite certain I need professional assistance to ever become okay with just achieving.  But I digress...

Am I a person with "much" of whom much is required?  If I am, I guarantee I am not living up to those expectations.  We were asked tonight in life group what we wanted to be when we grew up.  What plans did we have for ourselves that we set out to achieve and how did we see God acting in those plans.  I told the story of my professional career.  I've posted it here before, but here's the short version.  I started college saying I'd never teach.  I majored in elementary education.  I said I'd never teach below middle school.  I student taught in second grade.  I said I'd never teach students younger than second grade.  My first job was full day kindergarten.  I said I'd never teach younger than kindergarten.  I taught preschool during grad school.  I said I'd never teach special education.  I have a degree to work with struggling students.  I said I'd never work for the state department of education.  I currently work for the state department of education.

If you had asked me ten years ago where I would be at this moment, I would never have come up with the situation I'm in.  The desires I remember having are not currently a part of my life story.  My story is still being written, so things may change.  Where I struggle is, if I'm not one with "much," why am I not?  Does that even make sense?  Let me try again...depending on how you define "much," I am not one with "much."  If the converse of the verse is true, that those without "much" would therefore not have much required, would that then mean that not much is required of me?  If not much is required of me, why is that?

When I talk to teachers about their expectations for students, inevitably there are one or two (if not more) for whom that teacher does not have high expectations.  There are varying reasons for low expectations...that is for another posting...but I wonder...am I that student?  Am I someone for whom there are low expectations, and if so, why?

I warned you with the title that there are all questions and no answers, certainly no easy ones.  I've wrestled with these questions and this circular thinking for the last couple of weeks.  I imagine it is something I'll wrestle with for some time to come.  That wrestling in and of itself probably suggests a faith issue within myself that needs to be addressed.  Maybe I'll circle around that one too....

Breathing a Sigh of Relief

I had an appointment this morning at Dean McGee Eye Institute in Oklahoma City with Dr. Farris to get more information about my vision problems.  My parents drove down from Tulsa to go to the appointment with me.  Overall this evening I am relieved with the results.  To best explain the outcome I want to start with what the problem isn't.  It isn't a tumor, that was evident in my MRI.  It isn't a neurological disease or disorder, my brain is healthy.  It isn't a problem with my optic nerve, there is no indication of inflammation or disease.  It isn't an eye disease that will cause me to lose my eyesight, I will not become blind because of this.

So if all of those things are true, then what is it you ask?  I have an ocular surface disease.  There are a few things at play here.  First, there is a mucous membrane on the surface of your eye, the function of which (among other things) is to provide clarity of vision.  My membrane is 1/3 the thickness that it should be, so if a normal membrane is 100% mine is 30% in thickness.  Second, there are goblet cells in the eye, the function of which is to secrete an oil that combines with the water created by your tear ducts that lubricates and supports that mucous membrane.  I have a low count of those cells which means that my eyes routinely do not get the kind of lubrication necessary for clear vision.  I am creating enough tears, but the goblet cells are required for sustained lubrication and that is something I am missing.

In addition to those two things specific to my eye, I also have some rosatia around my eyes and some veining on the sides of my nose (where my glasses rest) that the doctor said is typically seen in 50-60 year old patients, rather than in someone my age.  This time last year, I had a a very bad case of eczema also around my eyes.  If you saw me at all during that time I literally looked like a raccoon.  Steroids corrected the problem over a couple of weeks and it has not returned since.  All three of these things...rosatia, eczema and ocular surface disease...indicate the presence of an autoimmune condition.

There is no cure for my eye condition.  I cannot regrow a mucous membrane or increase my goblet cell production.  What I can do is learn to manage my symptoms so that my vision improves and that includes a three part treatment plan.  First, I have an oral prescription that I will take daily for the next six months for sure, probably longer.  Second, today the doctor placed punctal plugs in my tear ducts.  Using a mirror, if you pull down your bottom eyelid and look toward your nose, you should see a small hole that looks like a pin prick.  You have one in each eye on the bottom and one in each eye on the top, for a total of four.  One way to treat my lubrication problem is to plug those holes so that the lubrication that my eyes can make naturally doesn't drain out.  Today, Dr. Farris placed silicon plugs in my lower ducts.  They feel a little funny right now, I know eventually I'll get to where I don't feel them, but for now it's kind of like a contact lens or a grain of sand I can't get rid of.  They can be removed or I could accidentally rub them out if I rub my eyes too hard, so I have to get used to not rubbing my eyes.  (Tough to do by the way when it's a foreign object around your eye!)  If I do accidentally rub them out they can easily be replaced.  The third part of my treatment plan is regular use of eye drops, up to ten times daily.  There is a specific drop that I can buy over the counter that is specifically for someone with the goblet cell condition that I have.  Not all drops do the same things, but luckily at this point I do not need prescription drops, there is an over the counter option.

As the doctor pointed out today, my career choice and hobby of reading create a visual challenge that other people might not face.  Because I spend a lot of time focusing on text or a computer screen, diminished clarity impacts me in a significant way.  That being the case it is important for me to follow this treatment plan to restore clarity to my vision.  I'm currently in a chronic stage with this problem but by following the treatment plan I should get to a more manageable place.  Unless I have a major setback or emergency, I will not have to go back to Dean McGee, my local doctor will be able to handle future treatment.  I've been told to give the treatment plan three months before making any changes to it, such as adding plugs in my upper ducts if I haven't made sufficient improvement.

When I went to bed last night I was trying to mentally prepare myself for the worst case scenario of permanently losing my vision, a tumor or disease that would require surgery or some other equally serious diagnosis.  I am relieved tonight that it is a manageable condition.  It is something I will deal with it for the rest of my life and the investigation into an autoimmune condition is just beginning.  Additional testing with an internist may be necessary to determine the extent of my condition and any additional systems or organs that may be effected.  I thank you, and my parents thank you, from the bottom of our hearts for all of your prayers and support throughout these times of living with the unknown.  I still have hurdles...I will continue to limit how much I read and I will not be able to drive at night until I get my clarity back, but I have a plan that will hopefully get me there.

At the end of my appointment today Dr. Farris asked if he could pray with me and very eloquently asked the Lord to heal me and bless me on my road to recovery.  His prayer collectively with your prayers have allowed me to feel safe, loved and supported.  Thank you.

Breaking My Own Rule

I've broken my own rule in the last couple of weeks.  I have never been one to read more than one book at a time.  I start a book and finish it before starting another.  I do the same thing with magazines.  I even eat that way...one thing at a time.  I've broken that rule in the last couple of weeks however, by starting multiple books.  I read a couple of novels in one weekend for pleasure, but everything I'm reading right now is professional material.  Here's the run down...

If you read my blog for educators this week, I talked about this book Annual Growth For All Students; Catch-up Growth For Those Who Are Behind by Lynn Fielding, Nancy Kerr and Paul Rosier.  It is the study of an elementary school in Washington that had a large number of students struggling to meet state benchmarks and how they turned things around.  It was recommended by one of my literacy trainers as well as a teammate.  According to the American Legislative Exchange Council Oklahoma is 43rd in the national in educational performance.  Other reports list Oklahoma as slightly higher or lower if you look at specific subgroups, subjects or other educational factors.  While there are pockets of very successful districts in our state, the state as a whole is not performing as well as we could.  We have excellent potential, but we need to make some changes.  This book offers a unique perspective to making needed change.

Coaching for Balance:  How to Meet the Challenges of Literacy Coaching by Jan Miller Burkins is one of the first literacy coaching books that I bought a few years ago when I knew I wanted to pursue this as a career path.  It's also one of the first books about literacy coaching that was written by an active literacy coach.  I'm not very far into this one yet, but the practical suggestions that it provides for me in this new role are very helpful.  There are parts of it that reinforce what I already knew, and other parts that challenge me to think differently about some things.

(Hopefully this image isn't too blurry!)

This is another book that I received from my training trip to Oklahoma City, MAX Teaching with Reading and Writing:  Classroom Activities for Helping Students Learn New Subject Matter While Acquiring Literacy Skills.  It is written by a career teacher, Dr. Mark Forget, with activities for how to teach content such as science and social studies while also including literacy instruction.  I have a fifth grade teacher that has asked me specifically for these kinds of ideas.  In addition this type of integration is what Common Core State Standards are asking teachers to do.

This book is the one I will begin in the morning.  Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us by Daniel Pink was recommended by the same trainer that recommended Annual Growth.  I recently purchased a subscription to audible.com so that I can download books to listen to while I'm driving.  Tomorrow I have two and a half hours in the car (round trip) so I thought it was a perfect time to start this one.

As I've said before there are so many books and so little time!  I'm hoping with audible.com I can make my drive time more productive and entertaining, as well as being a good solution to my current vision issues.  I don't usually read (or listen to) more than one book at a time because I can't always make the mental leap from one to the other.  I've discovered it's a little easier to make these leaps because they are nonfiction rather than fiction.  There's no chance that I'm going to confuse characters or story lines with these texts.  

If you have other text recommendations for me feel free to let me know, Drive is six hours worth of listening and with my schedule being what it is this week, I'll be done with it by noon on Thursday.  I'll need a new audio book before the week is out!  What are you reading?

Home Away from Home

I'm back in Oklahoma City in what has become my home away from home.  I know more of my teammates names, can mostly find my way around and am a better traveler than the first time I was here.  For my training weeks, I drive to OKC on Sunday afternoon and check into my hotel and will check out on Friday morning.  The first week I was here, there were some problems with the place that we stayed.  I personally didn't experience any problems, but my teammates did so we've moved hotels but we've been told we'll be here all year.  It's nice to be coming to the same place every time.  I told my dad today I've gotten better at being mobile.  Other than the wide range of materials and supplies that are constantly present in my car, I have a set of items that I bring with me for the hotel.  Things like a portable laundry hamper, night light and power strip are all part of my kit.  Between two computers, two cell phones, my GPS and my iPad, there are no shortage of electronics that I charge regularly.  At home I can spread those out around various rooms, here the power strip is a must have!

Here are some pics of my home away from home...

This is the view as you walk in the door.  I have a two room suite.  This weekend has included a lot of catch-up work for me and this evening was no exception, I've obviously already made good use of the desk and chair trying to sort some papers and files.

This room opens to the interior of the building so on the other side of those curtains is a view of the lobby.  I'm actually on the second floor this time so it's a distant view.

My living area includes a nice flat screen television as well as a fridge and microwave.  I made sure to bring a couple of snacks with me this time.  All of our meals are provided, which includes dinner.  Dinner however, is served at 4:00 so it's nice to have a snack for the evening if I want one.  My briefcase and purse are already packed for tomorrow morning and waiting by the door.  Since I have to leave each morning a little before 7:00 I try to be organized the night before.

I have a king size bed and lots of pillows which I like.  Typically I have a book on the night stand, but I haven't unpacked it yet.  My training days require so much concentration and focus that I don't usually have the mental capacity to work when I get out of class.  Unless I have assignments (which will likely be the case this week) I try to do some reading for pleasure in the evenings.  I brought a couple of new novels this week that I'm excited about.  I posted on facebook recently that spending a lot of time focusing and reading during the day keeps me from being able to do that at night.  Too much reading strains my vision.  However, my classes are just listening, so I'm hoping my vision holds up for evening reading.

I have a smaller television and coffee pot in my bedroom.  There is also a continental breakfast where I can get a cup of coffee, so I don't typically make any in here.  Breakfast is served as part of my meetings, but it's nice to have a cup of coffee when you're up that early!  I use the dresser to hold my jewelry (you can see it to the right of the TV), but all of my clothes are in the closet area.  I didn't take a pic of that, but I'm sure you can imagine.  It's a small walk in where the luggage rack holds my suitcase and the clothing bar holds my hang ups.  My laundry hamper and the iron and ironing board that's provided are also in there.

My Sunday evenings here are quiet.  It's time for me to get settled and set up for the week, catch up on some work, or read for pleasure.  My work yesterday and today are things that I would normally spend office time doing.  In the last two weeks however, Carri and I have had very little office time.  During lunch on Friday we decided that perhaps it's time for us to split up to better meet the needs of our districts.  We had said from the beginning that we would stay together as long as possible, but it's getting impossible.  I drove 2,025 miles in the last month.  We've been on the road four or five days a week.  I love our road time and I'm getting ready to invest in audible.com so that I can multitask during some of my drive time, but that much time on the road means office work is done after hours or on weekends and that's exhausting.  Splitting up and only going to our designated districts, instead of trying to go everywhere together will free us up for more office time. 

Our first week we were at the capital, the second week we were at the National Guard Regional Training Center, this week our classes are at the State Department of Education office building which is in the capital complex.  I'm a little nervous this time though and I'm not sure exactly why.  Maybe my nerves will settle when I see everyone tomorrow and get back in the grove of training.  This week promises to be packed with learning, I'm determined to have a great week!

Vision Issues: No Improvement, New Theory

It's been a while since I've written.  I told myself when I started this blog, that my first goal was to write something worth reading.  I've fallen into a rhythm with my job in the last couple of weeks, which doesn't lend itself to interesting blog posts, so I've refrained from writing.  Today however, I went to the eye doctor for another check up and thought I should update you about my continuing vision issues.

First I should tell you, if I haven't already, that I love my eye doctor.  He is incredibly thorough, goes above and beyond (often calling me at home on weekends just to see how I'm doing) and doesn't hesitate to refer to me to someone else if he runs into something he can't solve.  This isn't the first time that he's referred me to someone else, but it is the first time that the referral is due to severity of condition.

They did a basic eye screening today and again he attempted to refract with lenses to give me clear vision.  Like the last ever how many visits I've had (I've lost count at this point) he was unable to find a strong enough lens.  Without glasses and covering my left eye, I cannot read the top line of letters on the chart.  With the strongest lens he can put in front of my right eye, I can read the top line, but the letters are not clear.  He said right now I'm testing around 20/40 and 20/50, but again, nothing is clear.

It is taking increasingly more effort for me to focus to see.  Seeing or reading at a distance is a bigger problem than up close.  The amount of light can cause difficulty too.  It's better right now if I don't drive at night, which I discovered a couple of weeks ago when I drove home from Tulsa, completely in the dark, and had a horrible headache by the time I got home.  After working to see and focus, I almost always have a headache and recently I've begun having a swollen or throbbing sensation in my right eye.  When I explained these symptoms to my doctor today he said the throbbing and swollen feeling is due to overworking my eye muscles.  It's probably not actually swollen, but it is overworked and therefore feels that way.

The new theory is that I have a pseudo-tumor on my optic nerve.  A pseudo-tumor in that area is caused by a lack of pressure of the cerebral spinal fluid in my brain.  He said the optic nerve itself does not look inflamed but that the fiber is very thick.  A problem with spinal fluid pressure would not show up on an MRI.  Based on this information and all of the other tests that I've been through to this point, my doctor predicts that when I go to the Dean McGee Eye Institute in three and a half weeks they will do a spinal tap to assess the pressure situation.  Certainly what actually happens when I go to Dean McGee will be up to the doctor there, but this is theory that makes the most sense at this point given the pieces of the puzzle that I currently have.

When I texted some of my family members and close friends this morning after the appointment several of them asked me how I felt about this new possibility.  My response was that I'm mostly sad.  While I should probably be pleased that I have a direction to go and some possible treatment options on the horizon, it's difficult to hear the words, tumor and brain in the same sentence pertaining to you...even if it is pseudo.  I know that part of my reaction of tears this morning came from the fact that it's been an exhausting week, and I was already on the verge.  A tough conversation with my doctor just pushed me over the edge.  For the next three weeks, I'll limit my night time driving, take more breaks from concentrated efforts to see and continue to take Tylenol regularly to control the nagging headache that's constantly there.  I'll find my balance again and be thankful for the "it's not as bad as it could be" situation later, but that's not where I am today.

It's football season!!

Tomorrow is the first Saturday of this season of college football and I'm excited.  I have many memories at which football is the center.  I grew up attending Arkansas Razorbacks games with my grandfather.  In fact I've been to more U of A sporting events than any other school, including the ones I've attended.  I remember going to OU's media day as a kid and being excited that I had my picture taken with then quarterback Cale Gundy.  I went to high school in Alabama, which is in many ways the football capital of the south.  (No offense intended to my friends in other southern states.)  I spent every Friday night of football season in my high school band at the game.

My varied experience with and love of football makes me a fan of the game, before I'm a fan of a specific team.  My philosophy is the same about professional sports, I'm a fan of the game or specific players before a specific team.  My television will be tuned in to whatever game I can get every Saturday between now and the end of the season.

I will always pull for my alma mater first.  I love to watch OSU football games and yes, I will pull for them over OU during Bedlam.  Outside of that however, my allegiance is mixed.  These are kids.  I think that really hit after I spent time as an adjunct instructor for OSU.  These are kids playing a game that in a lot of ways our society has turned into a business.  I understand the financial aspect of the college football industry, but I don't let that influence my allegiance as a fan.

My facebook posts will likely include RTR (Roll Tide Roll), War Eagle, WPS (Whoo Pig Sooie), Boomer Sooner and Go Pokes throughout various times of the season.  Hey...you might even see a Gig 'Em once or twice.  That's because I love the game.  I don't trash other teams or conferences.  I don't root for teams to lose or players to be injured.  That's just wrong, on so many levels.

I'll make chili, pop popcorn and indulge in other tailgate food throughout the season, hopefully with friends and family, in the spirit of enjoying the game.  I'm ready for football!!